First, the good news. M and K are eager students and kind people. They follow classroom rules, tell the truth, befriend everyone. M shows ability in math, and his teachers are starting to recognize what Peter and I have always known: he's got a curious, imaginative mind. He asks great questions, engaging fully in discussions of activities and texts. I know from helping him pack every morning that he considers school an important job that he wants to do well.
Now the not-so-good news. K is not having such success. Socially, she's terrific; loyal, honest, kind, a helpful citizen of the classroom. But her academic performance is uneven. Some days, she aces quizzes. Other days, she seems not to give a damn. She, like M, receives reading help, but she does not seem to be making progress.
We don't mind that she's testing below grade level, but we do mind that she doesn't seem to care. When she comes home with a lousy score on a quiz she never studied for despite my urging, I'll ask her, "How do you feel about that score?" and she'll reply, "Fine, Mom."
We don't mind that she's testing below grade level, but we do mind that she doesn't seem to care. When she comes home with a lousy score on a quiz she never studied for despite my urging, I'll ask her, "How do you feel about that score?" and she'll reply, "Fine, Mom."
"Do you think you could have done better?"
(Shrug.) "I guess."
"What could you have done differently?"
"Studied more. Can I go play now?"
So we wonder:
-Does K not realize that improved grades are a consequence of doing the work? The cognitive mechanism for understanding causality is often broken in kids on the FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) spectrum, but K shows no other evidence of FAS and we've never thought she had it. This mechanism is also often broken or warped in kids whose early attachment was disrupted. Hers was. But M grew up with her, and it seems not to be broken in him.
-Does doing well in school not matter to K? If not, why not? My mom suspects that Peter and I, in focusing (rightly) on loving her no matter how she performs, may have inadvertently taught her to have low standards. How might we help her raise her standards?
-Does K not realize that improved grades are a consequence of doing the work? The cognitive mechanism for understanding causality is often broken in kids on the FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) spectrum, but K shows no other evidence of FAS and we've never thought she had it. This mechanism is also often broken or warped in kids whose early attachment was disrupted. Hers was. But M grew up with her, and it seems not to be broken in him.
-Does doing well in school not matter to K? If not, why not? My mom suspects that Peter and I, in focusing (rightly) on loving her no matter how she performs, may have inadvertently taught her to have low standards. How might we help her raise her standards?
-Does K actually care about doing well but not want to acknowledge she cares? Peter's hunch is yes. K has told us sometimes that her birthparents and Mama A. "gave [her] away" because "something was wrong with [her]," and therefore she must do everything perfectly if she wants to stay with us. She might not let herself care because she'd drive herself crazy with anxiety if she did. The emotional stakes being that high, how might Peter and I safely encourage better school performance?
-Is there some other emotional reason she's not doing well? And would it honestly help to pull her out of school to consult far-away adoption specialists? And what would it do to M to be either dragged along or left at home with a sitter?
-Is there some neurobiological reason she's not doing well? Is she at an age where testing would be useful? If the tests revealed anything, would they help us figure out what to do? Could we afford such testing or treatment?
-Is there some other emotional reason she's not doing well? And would it honestly help to pull her out of school to consult far-away adoption specialists? And what would it do to M to be either dragged along or left at home with a sitter?
-Is there some neurobiological reason she's not doing well? Is she at an age where testing would be useful? If the tests revealed anything, would they help us figure out what to do? Could we afford such testing or treatment?
Here is our tentative plan:
1. Explain to K that doing well in school is a way she can take care of herself. My mom suggests: "You're so good at taking care of other people. It's time to take care of you, too."
2. Explain that we know she's smart and we'll do what we can to help her make her "smarts" work for her in school. "It's our job, and your teacher's job, to help you be the best K-- you can be."
3. Assuming she buys in to working better... If her performance doesn't improve, we ask at school whether a neuropsych evaluation would be helpful. If yes, we do it. If it yields a result we can act on, we act on it. If it doesn't, we return to her usual therapist.
4. If she doesn't buy in to working better, or if the neuropsych evaluation reveals nothing, or if we shouldn't or can't do one right now, we seek help from her usual therapist.
5. If this therapist doesn't help, we seek an adoption specialist. My understanding is that this would be intense work and/or would require lots of driving and therefore missed school (for kids) and work hours (for adults). I'd hope to do this over the summer and next year, when my schedule and Peter's could be more flexible.
Meanwhile, K's teacher is getting her a standing desk so she can fidget in class, which might help her concentrate. (She already chews gum, wears fidgety jewelry.) We're getting a treadmill desk at home--it was going to be for my aching back, but I'll share if it will help the kids concentrate. I'm continuing to sit down every day with both kids and have them plan their time, write their assignments in an academic planner that never leaves the house, and put all their papers in the "homework station." I'm continuing to plan my time--career, self-care, cooking, housework--around the kids' homework needs. In other words, I'm continuing to provide consistency to the best of my ability. And yes, it's a pain in the butt, thank you for asking.
By the way, K's teacher has also mentioned that K often seems lethargic in class. She's got an early bedtime by local 4th grade standards--8 PM with lights out at 8:30--but we're moving it earlier to see what happens. We can't forget: children of trauma need more sleep for years. And years. I'm thinking I might notify the teacher when K has had a bad night so we can compare notes on that day's performance. My wishful thinking is that, if K's brain rests enough overnight, maybe she'll find it easier to focus and remember and so on during the day.
3. Assuming she buys in to working better... If her performance doesn't improve, we ask at school whether a neuropsych evaluation would be helpful. If yes, we do it. If it yields a result we can act on, we act on it. If it doesn't, we return to her usual therapist.
4. If she doesn't buy in to working better, or if the neuropsych evaluation reveals nothing, or if we shouldn't or can't do one right now, we seek help from her usual therapist.
5. If this therapist doesn't help, we seek an adoption specialist. My understanding is that this would be intense work and/or would require lots of driving and therefore missed school (for kids) and work hours (for adults). I'd hope to do this over the summer and next year, when my schedule and Peter's could be more flexible.
Meanwhile, K's teacher is getting her a standing desk so she can fidget in class, which might help her concentrate. (She already chews gum, wears fidgety jewelry.) We're getting a treadmill desk at home--it was going to be for my aching back, but I'll share if it will help the kids concentrate. I'm continuing to sit down every day with both kids and have them plan their time, write their assignments in an academic planner that never leaves the house, and put all their papers in the "homework station." I'm continuing to plan my time--career, self-care, cooking, housework--around the kids' homework needs. In other words, I'm continuing to provide consistency to the best of my ability. And yes, it's a pain in the butt, thank you for asking.
By the way, K's teacher has also mentioned that K often seems lethargic in class. She's got an early bedtime by local 4th grade standards--8 PM with lights out at 8:30--but we're moving it earlier to see what happens. We can't forget: children of trauma need more sleep for years. And years. I'm thinking I might notify the teacher when K has had a bad night so we can compare notes on that day's performance. My wishful thinking is that, if K's brain rests enough overnight, maybe she'll find it easier to focus and remember and so on during the day.
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2 comments:
A standing desk? How cool. And how amazing that the teacher can get one for your daughter.
I have a couple of observations. As you read them, remember that I have the least experience parenting of anyone you know.
1. Keep in mind that you (and, I suspect, P) were an academic superstar. I think you would have an easier time accepting poor performance from a child who studied very hard and got upset when s/he didn't do well than a child who seemed indifferent to not doing well.
2. How often do you have conversations with K like the one you outlined? The reason I ask is that I would react exactly the same way if I was having this conversation with my parents more than once or twice a school year.
3. Rather than having low standards, K may feel she can never live up to her parents' academic achievements. That said, I think the fear/anxiety thing might be right on.
I have only one suggestion for you, and that is to see if K's teacher or someone else at the school can put you in touch with the parents of some children who had similar struggles at K's age. It might be helpful to speak to them about what helped (or not) before you start with shrinks & tests. Good luck.
Hi, Debbie:
Sorry you and your family are going through this. I wanted to second some of the thoughts from CC Innkeeper, above, esp. 3. K. is at an age when "choosing not to care" becomes an appealing option for emotionally charged topics. And I really like the two suggestions you mentioned--about giving her best school effort as a form of self-care (This just may appeal to K's caretaker nature) and that teacher and parents are working to help her be the best student and K she can be.
As I read this, I remember the pain of another childhood friend, S, whose parents were Radcliffe and Harvard grads; mom was especially disciplined. My friend was just not configured that way, and her mother bore down on her, personally tutoring her, talking about her grades in front of me, and that just pushed my friend into further low achievement. She is a fine and productive citizen today (in fact, special ed teacher) but it took her years to find and accept her own academic path. Not a cautionary tale exactly (you and P. don't need it) but just a memory, because I feel the pain on both sides.
Are there age-appropriate books for K about kids or animals or whatever going through a similar dilemma? (I'm sure there are; there are books about everything.) The one book I recall along those line is "Who Will Carry the Flag Today, Charlie?" Sometimes talking about issues through the back door is easier.
I have a friend who does kids' neuropsych evals. I'm sure she'd be happy to to have a chat with you about what's involved, whether she would recommend it at this stage for K.
Both your kids have so many gifts!
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