It's this last behavior that disturbs me. Most people I know, including K's brother M, will not eat through their protein, salad, vegetables, and whole grain at dinner, declare they're "stuffed," and STILL insist on the cookie I refused them at lunch. If they get the cookie, they will not eat it all. If they do eat it all, they will not beg other family members for tastes of theirs.
When we ask K, "Does your tummy want that, or just your eyes?" she always responds, "My tummy." When we tell K, "We're going to wait 5 minutes to make sure we have enough room for dessert," she waits and then eats even if the rest of us don't. K once sold M a toy she had purchased with $19 of her own money so she could use the $2 he gave her in a vending machine. For a candy bar. This kid listens to her desire more than to her physical hunger, no matter what.
My question: Should we get her professional help?
K's BMI jumped up this past year. She'd always been a little higher in her weight percentile than her height percentile, but now the gap is considerable. She's strong as a little ox--and we know muscle weighs more than fat--but her pediatrician is concerned.
In case you're interested:
-We eat a high-vegetable diet with little meat.
-We eat no white grains and little flour.
-We eat little sugar that isn't in fruit, and almost no juice.
-We eat breakfast.
-We put vegetables on the table first and leave them there. Higher-calorie foods remain on the kitchen counter.
-We allow one treat per day--that's our control. We allow the kids to choose what it is--that's theirs. We regulate the portion size, of course. And we never have truly decadent food in the house anyhow.
I serve healthy food in a health-supportive way. I can't help it if K suddenly rejects a chicken dish she used to love and loads up on mashed potatoes, or trades away her unsweetened peanut butter sandwich at lunch for someone's Trix Yogurt and sugary granola bar.
My question: As the family cook, what else can I do?
I have my own weight and food-related issues, among them shame. (I could write a blog just on these.) I've put on weight since becoming a parent, but aside from the number on the scale, none of my other numbers have changed (blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterols). I model good eating habits by focusing on lean proteins and produce, chewing my food, and trying to eat only until I'm satisfied, not stuffed. And I still beat myself up.
My question: How can I help K regain a healthy weight without bringing my issues to bear on her?
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3 comments:
As you know, I am probably the least qualified person on earth to speak to parenting issues, however you also know me well enough to know I'll say something if I think I have something relevant to say.
My suggestion is this: keep on doing what you're doing for now. If possible, maybe you can add another physical activity to her schedule but do not make a bigger issue of the eating choices. In a few years she is going to become conscious of societal pressures to be thin and if she is not, that is your opportunity to step in and offer help. I recommend you wait until she expresses interest in and/or concern about her physical appearance to talk with her about it. I also suggest you make an appointment for her to see a dietitian or nutritionist so that she hears the information from someone other than mom (picture the typical teenage eye-roll here).
Some years ago I had a 13 year old girl working for me who had some weight issues; her mom had her see a nutritionist several times and the daughter took it upon herself to make changes to her own diet (which had been heavily carbohydrate based, by the way). Over the course of the next six months she slimmed down to a healthy weight and she looked well and happy. She also felt in control, because she was the one to institute the changes. K is too young yet to do this.
You're doing everything you can. I know it's hard to watch her behavior but you're absolutely right to not want your issues to become hers.
The comment below is from from BrianB, who was unable to post on his own.--Debbie
Two thoughts:
Please don't even think about BMI. You know BMI is a farce, it has as much validity to health as phrenology. Mentioning it in a post is bad, even thinking about it for your child's health is worse. Please measure her fat % or something else.
My best guess is she likes the rush of sugar in the brain, just wired that way. From my experience as a food centric person - being someone who remembers everything in life based on food, smells - even directions across town - the physical tie between mood and these foods can't be understood easily by people who are wired differently. I suggest trying getting her involved with exercise - a lot of exercise, like competitive cross country running - because, for me, it's the only way to get the same brain balance. That's assuming she's wired like I am. And watch for alcohol use in a few years.
To avoid shame issues, the important factor is to say you don't care how she looks, you care how her brain feels, whether she is happy. Happiness is more important than health, in my opinion. Of course you would like both, but if they come in conflict, choose happiness. A happy person can create, love, do. An unhappy person - even perfectly healthy - stays home in a dark room. Further, the expression has to be authentic - you actually have to be concerned about her (whether it be happiness or health or whatever), not be concerned about being judged for a having a underperforming daughter.
Regarding professional help, I have not found that "dieticians" understand much about the different wiring of people, and their needs - they talk about BMI and food types and eating patterns, not about emotional effects. Your best professional help might be a personal trainer - I've found those people to be more interested in individuals and ready to talk about the emotional effects of exercise and eating. I suspect it has something to do with training being about emotional willingness and motivation.
Just my experience.
ccinnkeeper: Yes, Peter and I are discussing adding more activity that she likes. FYI, I'm also trying out having the entire family eat the salad course before other food hits the table. At this time of year, it's a pleasure.
BrianB: Yes, I was surprised too that our pediatrician brought up BMI. (My own doctor doesn't give a damn about it as pertains to my own health.) She was actually more focused on the jump in K's percentile ranking for weight, but you get the idea. And yes, we're aware that K's simple-carb craving could be a brain chemistry thing and that we should watch for her alcohol use. I'm comforted that someone besides us is thinking along these lines.
K *is* a gorgeous girl, and we're not the only ones who tell her so with utter sincerity. She seems to know it, and she flaunts it--something I could never do at her age, by the way. I admire her confidence.
As for "professional help"--I wasn't clear in the post. What I meant was mental health care. If there's a potentially damaging emotional reason that she's so fixated on food, we'd like her to have help managing it. One possibility: K recalls a time earlier in her life when she didn't have enough to eat. At some point, she might benefit from learning not to let fear of deprivation drive her.
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