I am taking a writing class right now with Hillary Rettig in how to manage time and beat procrastination. And I am dismayed but not surprised to find that exactly what I predicted years ago, during Peter's and my first arguments about raising a family, has come true: I am spending zero time on social activity or professional work. I get my self-care, but I don't have the replenishment of communing with friends or doing anything for which my formidable education prepared me. The result I predicted is coming to pass as well: I am feeling depleted mentally, emotionally, and therefore--because I can't sleep--physically.
I am awake (ideally) only 105h/wk. I spend about 60h/wk on parenting-related and housework-related stuff. I budget 20h/wk for self-care such as exercise, showering, healthcare visits (considerable this year, what with pneumonia and depression and asthma and arthritis), and eating the few meals I get to eat sans kids. So that leaves 25h/wk for socializing (including seeing extended family, including religious services) plus volunteering plus time and money management plus anything related to writing or teaching. *sigh*
I haven't watched television since we adopted. I don't shop for pleasure--in fact, I buy what I can in bulk, by mail-order. I don't get manicures, pedicures, or other cosmetic services aside from the occasional haircut. I don't surf the web for pleasure. I do only subsistence cooking, and I even use two local meal-prep businesses to fill in a few dinners a week for me. (If you know me well, you know how desperate I must be to allow someone else to do a task I enjoy so much.) I pay people to clean the house, mow the lawn, and maintain our cars. I pay Nancy to cover for me one night a week so I can take this class, and another night so I can do the homework. Both kids are in extended-day care 4 days/wk because, if they weren't, they would be in school at opposite times of day and I would get no time to myself whatsoever.
I need to figure out what I can alter. While I ponder, the picture will change mid-June as M's preschool ends and both kids' schedules start converging towards full-day camp. So my situation will improve, right?
I'm told to expect I'll be too exhausted to do anything with the extra time for about six months. I find that plausible.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Recent Dreams
Within the last few weeks, Peter and I have dreamed the following.
-Peter: Our kids are in their teens. We are contacted because a young birth-sibling of theirs is discovered in Russia and needs to be adopted.
-Me: We get a call from our caseworker. She has found a perfect addition to our family in the form of a boy from "the Belgian Congo." We go to the agency to meet him, and he cuddles into my arms, and our kids love him. But Peter and I don't think we can support another child. As we discuss the problem, the boy grows older before our eyes, understanding more and more that we may not take him home. We feel forced to take him home so he won't live out his life feeling rejected. The dream ends when he is physiologically 17 years old--before we have made up our minds or even left the agency.
-Peter: Two friends who are divorcing are in such dire straits that they ask us to raise their child.
-Me (the same night): Both those friends ask me to marry them.
-Peter: Our kids are in their teens. We are contacted because a young birth-sibling of theirs is discovered in Russia and needs to be adopted.
-Me: We get a call from our caseworker. She has found a perfect addition to our family in the form of a boy from "the Belgian Congo." We go to the agency to meet him, and he cuddles into my arms, and our kids love him. But Peter and I don't think we can support another child. As we discuss the problem, the boy grows older before our eyes, understanding more and more that we may not take him home. We feel forced to take him home so he won't live out his life feeling rejected. The dream ends when he is physiologically 17 years old--before we have made up our minds or even left the agency.
-Peter: Two friends who are divorcing are in such dire straits that they ask us to raise their child.
-Me (the same night): Both those friends ask me to marry them.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Heartbreak Hill
The reference is to a .4mi hill at mile 20 of the Boston Marathon. It signals that the end of the race is near but that it will be difficult to get there.
I feel pretty much the same way about my life right now. My entry "Thirteen Days" mentions that I am plugging along, doing okay while my good little kids do their share to keep the household running. I was, and they were. Peter's long stretch ended, and now we're a unit of four again.
But now the end of the school year is in sight. The weather is warm, activities are coming to their conclusions, classroom teachers are talking about next year & new teachers, and my kids are bonkers. I'm told that the end of the year is rough on all kids; I'm also told that adopted kids go particularly nuts because their loss-and-new-life narrative is re-enacted at this time. *sigh* Theory aside, I am having to do more consequences-based parenting than ever before, e.g.: "Aw, honey. It's so sad that you threw my books down the stairs. You really drained my energy. Would you like to sweep the floor or empty the dryer to help me get my energy back?" The kitchen has been very clean lately.
K and M usually behave well for me. So I am on very much on edge now that they are surprising me with bad behavior. I've had to haul them out of restaurants and stop the car at the side of the road because they are yelling so much my head aches. Haul them apart bodily when they scuffle in the middle of a parking lot. Make quick decisions when my child won't share a toy, the rude guest child won't be deflected, and my other child won't stop shouting for my attention. Just this week I gave M a time-out, bellowing at him DON'T INTERRUPT UNLESS [HE'S] BLEEDING OR ON FIRE!!! because I knew if I heard him yell, "Mom! I'm STILL WAITING for you!!" one more time I'd nail him into a box and ship him back to Russia, Parcel Post. And I am just steps away from dragging K to a dog-groomer's and having her head shaved if she doesn't start brushing her hair.
The real heartbreak? M's extended-day care ends May 29th. I'll have 2 weeks when my kid-free time will go from a luxurious 14h/wk to 8h/wk.
I feel pretty much the same way about my life right now. My entry "Thirteen Days" mentions that I am plugging along, doing okay while my good little kids do their share to keep the household running. I was, and they were. Peter's long stretch ended, and now we're a unit of four again.
But now the end of the school year is in sight. The weather is warm, activities are coming to their conclusions, classroom teachers are talking about next year & new teachers, and my kids are bonkers. I'm told that the end of the year is rough on all kids; I'm also told that adopted kids go particularly nuts because their loss-and-new-life narrative is re-enacted at this time. *sigh* Theory aside, I am having to do more consequences-based parenting than ever before, e.g.: "Aw, honey. It's so sad that you threw my books down the stairs. You really drained my energy. Would you like to sweep the floor or empty the dryer to help me get my energy back?" The kitchen has been very clean lately.
K and M usually behave well for me. So I am on very much on edge now that they are surprising me with bad behavior. I've had to haul them out of restaurants and stop the car at the side of the road because they are yelling so much my head aches. Haul them apart bodily when they scuffle in the middle of a parking lot. Make quick decisions when my child won't share a toy, the rude guest child won't be deflected, and my other child won't stop shouting for my attention. Just this week I gave M a time-out, bellowing at him DON'T INTERRUPT UNLESS [HE'S] BLEEDING OR ON FIRE!!! because I knew if I heard him yell, "Mom! I'm STILL WAITING for you!!" one more time I'd nail him into a box and ship him back to Russia, Parcel Post. And I am just steps away from dragging K to a dog-groomer's and having her head shaved if she doesn't start brushing her hair.
The real heartbreak? M's extended-day care ends May 29th. I'll have 2 weeks when my kid-free time will go from a luxurious 14h/wk to 8h/wk.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Interesting Comment and Response to "The Boyfriend"
An astute reader & friend wrote me the following privately:
"What I didn't get about the post was the foundation of your worry: where the fear was coming from. The section about forming inappropriate attractions was interesting - I thought the story would more to a discussion between appropriate and inappropriate, and how a parent might insert themselves, and how a parent guides these choices.
But the piece didn't go that way, and I got only a small sense of your exploration, but wondered how much was squeamishness (which I see in friends who are parents) and how much was thoughtful reaction to building K's attachment patterns. Most parents I've seen with older kids just shut down, especially when it comes to daughters, instead of engaging and building."
Excellent observations. And I'll try to respond intelligently. I neglected two important facts in the original posting, possibly because M was sitting on my shoulders, K was leaning on my right arm, Word Girl was on television, and it was almost dinnertime. (This is how I most often write these days.) First: K originally presented the information as "a secret [she had] with L--." She had never had a secret with anyone but a family member before, and I did not know how to respond. I erred on the side of respecting her privacy. But a red light glowed in the back of my mind, and here comes fact #2: I know the boy L. I have observed his family, and I have seen his mom many times stomp grim-faced in the middle of her workday into the school that he and his brothers attend. K has told me about his many escapades. I believe the boy to have bad judgment and to be easily influenced by his hellion older brothers. My red light glowed but I kept my mouth shut until I could decide how to handle whatever might be so "secret."
On to the rest of the story. K spontaneously told me her secret one night, looking sort of guilty. I immediately thought, "L has such lousy older sibs and such poor impulse control that he could initiate sex play with K before we have learned how to guide her. Since she may be more vulnerable than the average kid to sexual attentions and people who might harm her, I think we've got to stop this until we know how to help her handle it. And what the hell is this guilty look? We've never shamed her about kissing or 'body stuff.' Did she do something that made her uncomfortable? Would she tell us if she did? We might need a neutral 3rd party at some point."
Sexual issues--I guess even this young--are one area in which adoptive parenting can be very different than parenting by birth. Were K my bio-daughter, I'd know enough about her psych history and development to be concentrating more on guidance and less on safety. Were she my bio-daughter, she would have been raised to believe she has control over what happens to her and is worth respecting. Instead, she has been dropped twice into new family situations (that is, into her orphanage and here) as if she were a submissive little animal or a piece of furniture. For this reason, I can't assume she knows she has the power and rights that I knew I had at her age--for instance not to do things with wild boys that make her feel guilty. It is my job as her mom to help her learn. It is also my job to protect her while she doesn't know.
Yes, you correctly sensed my squeamishness. That's why. Hope this helps.
"What I didn't get about the post was the foundation of your worry: where the fear was coming from. The section about forming inappropriate attractions was interesting - I thought the story would more to a discussion between appropriate and inappropriate, and how a parent might insert themselves, and how a parent guides these choices.
But the piece didn't go that way, and I got only a small sense of your exploration, but wondered how much was squeamishness (which I see in friends who are parents) and how much was thoughtful reaction to building K's attachment patterns. Most parents I've seen with older kids just shut down, especially when it comes to daughters, instead of engaging and building."
Excellent observations. And I'll try to respond intelligently. I neglected two important facts in the original posting, possibly because M was sitting on my shoulders, K was leaning on my right arm, Word Girl was on television, and it was almost dinnertime. (This is how I most often write these days.) First: K originally presented the information as "a secret [she had] with L--." She had never had a secret with anyone but a family member before, and I did not know how to respond. I erred on the side of respecting her privacy. But a red light glowed in the back of my mind, and here comes fact #2: I know the boy L. I have observed his family, and I have seen his mom many times stomp grim-faced in the middle of her workday into the school that he and his brothers attend. K has told me about his many escapades. I believe the boy to have bad judgment and to be easily influenced by his hellion older brothers. My red light glowed but I kept my mouth shut until I could decide how to handle whatever might be so "secret."
On to the rest of the story. K spontaneously told me her secret one night, looking sort of guilty. I immediately thought, "L has such lousy older sibs and such poor impulse control that he could initiate sex play with K before we have learned how to guide her. Since she may be more vulnerable than the average kid to sexual attentions and people who might harm her, I think we've got to stop this until we know how to help her handle it. And what the hell is this guilty look? We've never shamed her about kissing or 'body stuff.' Did she do something that made her uncomfortable? Would she tell us if she did? We might need a neutral 3rd party at some point."
Sexual issues--I guess even this young--are one area in which adoptive parenting can be very different than parenting by birth. Were K my bio-daughter, I'd know enough about her psych history and development to be concentrating more on guidance and less on safety. Were she my bio-daughter, she would have been raised to believe she has control over what happens to her and is worth respecting. Instead, she has been dropped twice into new family situations (that is, into her orphanage and here) as if she were a submissive little animal or a piece of furniture. For this reason, I can't assume she knows she has the power and rights that I knew I had at her age--for instance not to do things with wild boys that make her feel guilty. It is my job as her mom to help her learn. It is also my job to protect her while she doesn't know.
Yes, you correctly sensed my squeamishness. That's why. Hope this helps.
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Boyfriend
K has a boyfriend. L, as I'll call him, made fun of her on the bus in the first few weeks of school, but apparently they love each other now.
On the one hand, we're aware that some boys and girls just do this at age and then outgrow it. We're told that boys who play with girls are made fun of by boys who don't, and the alliances break off. On the other hand, we're a little alarmed because they have been kissing. On the mouth. We gave her the "keep your germs to yourself" talk, and the kissing has stopped, but we're a little freaked out.
We have long thought that K is a prime candidate for sexual promiscuity when she's older because she's beautiful and physically affectionate and she craves lots of attention. She's outgoing enough to hug people who are kind to her even when we don't know them, even when we haven't given permission. Maybe we have nothing to worry about, but maybe having attached to three mothers has left her with the unconscious desire to be emotionally available to lots of people in case she has to attach again. This issue is common in "older" adopted children, especially those who have had to attach more than once.
Although we intend to do all we can to help K establish boundaries and stay safe, we are steeling ourselves to find her in flagrante delicto with someone at a very young age, or sleeping with multiple strangers, or seeking pregnancy because she wants the unwavering love of a child of her own. Finding therapy for her is on our list of summer activities. And we know that we may have to invade her privacy or do other things we find ethically distasteful in order to keep her safe--that, where sexuality is concerned, adoptive parenting is often quite different from parenting by birth.
I feel guilty. Intellectually I know that Peter and I have been there for her physically and emotionally in extraordinary ways, working to the best of our ability to help her feel secure and loved, express her feelings in words, feel she has the right to say "no" to being touched, respect other people's body boundaries, and so on. Intellectually I know that, as hard as we have worked, K came to us with her own history that influenced her before we even met her. But emotionally I feel that I'm her mother and therefore any problem of hers is my fault.
On the one hand, we're aware that some boys and girls just do this at age and then outgrow it. We're told that boys who play with girls are made fun of by boys who don't, and the alliances break off. On the other hand, we're a little alarmed because they have been kissing. On the mouth. We gave her the "keep your germs to yourself" talk, and the kissing has stopped, but we're a little freaked out.
We have long thought that K is a prime candidate for sexual promiscuity when she's older because she's beautiful and physically affectionate and she craves lots of attention. She's outgoing enough to hug people who are kind to her even when we don't know them, even when we haven't given permission. Maybe we have nothing to worry about, but maybe having attached to three mothers has left her with the unconscious desire to be emotionally available to lots of people in case she has to attach again. This issue is common in "older" adopted children, especially those who have had to attach more than once.
Although we intend to do all we can to help K establish boundaries and stay safe, we are steeling ourselves to find her in flagrante delicto with someone at a very young age, or sleeping with multiple strangers, or seeking pregnancy because she wants the unwavering love of a child of her own. Finding therapy for her is on our list of summer activities. And we know that we may have to invade her privacy or do other things we find ethically distasteful in order to keep her safe--that, where sexuality is concerned, adoptive parenting is often quite different from parenting by birth.
I feel guilty. Intellectually I know that Peter and I have been there for her physically and emotionally in extraordinary ways, working to the best of our ability to help her feel secure and loved, express her feelings in words, feel she has the right to say "no" to being touched, respect other people's body boundaries, and so on. Intellectually I know that, as hard as we have worked, K came to us with her own history that influenced her before we even met her. But emotionally I feel that I'm her mother and therefore any problem of hers is my fault.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Being Six? Or Something Else?
Below is a list of annoying behaviors K has demonstrated recently. If you aren't an adoptive parent or adoption-savvy professional, you might respond to this list by thinking, "So what? Lots of kids behave like this." But if you know something about emotional sequelae of adoption, you might think otherwise.
-walking straight toward obstacles instead of around, blaming others for placing them there
-blaming bumps, tripping, and other minor injuries on other people
-letting her room get so messy that she can't figure out how to clean it up
-constantly interrupting conversations between a beloved adult and another child
-constantly seeking eye-contact or body contact with beloved adult when adult is alone with her
-overeating at meals for fear of being hungry later
-nagging adults about dessert when the rules about dessert are known, consistent, and have already been stated
The first group of behaviors seem to me hallmarks of someone whose understanding of personal responsibility is a little off. I have seen and heard her yell at M hundreds of times when she steps on a toy he left out even though she had plenty of room to walk around it. She will yell at me when I am, say, folding laundry while she's trying to draw: "You're making me mess up, Mom!" The messiness could be the way she likes her room, or an early sign of an attention deficit, or another indication that she feels a bit at the mercy of the world around her. Not surprising for someone who was moved into and out of orphanage care within her memory: she might have learned that life just picks her up at random one day and plops her down anywhere no matter what she does.
The second group of behaviors, which come and go, seem to me the result of fear that there isn't enough of a beloved adult to go around, or that the adult will leave. Quite consistent with K's history. Her teachers and I manage the behavior well enough, but the day is going to come when it simply won't be appropriate for her to be sitting on the lap of her male 5th-grade teacher.
The third group of behaviors seem quite reasonable for someone who was deprived of food and craves control of it. She's been doing very well with food for months, but her nagging about dessert got completely out of bounds the other day, and I don't know why,
Peter and I are debating whether to start K in therapy with an adoption-savvy professional.
-walking straight toward obstacles instead of around, blaming others for placing them there
-blaming bumps, tripping, and other minor injuries on other people
-letting her room get so messy that she can't figure out how to clean it up
-constantly interrupting conversations between a beloved adult and another child
-constantly seeking eye-contact or body contact with beloved adult when adult is alone with her
-overeating at meals for fear of being hungry later
-nagging adults about dessert when the rules about dessert are known, consistent, and have already been stated
The first group of behaviors seem to me hallmarks of someone whose understanding of personal responsibility is a little off. I have seen and heard her yell at M hundreds of times when she steps on a toy he left out even though she had plenty of room to walk around it. She will yell at me when I am, say, folding laundry while she's trying to draw: "You're making me mess up, Mom!" The messiness could be the way she likes her room, or an early sign of an attention deficit, or another indication that she feels a bit at the mercy of the world around her. Not surprising for someone who was moved into and out of orphanage care within her memory: she might have learned that life just picks her up at random one day and plops her down anywhere no matter what she does.
The second group of behaviors, which come and go, seem to me the result of fear that there isn't enough of a beloved adult to go around, or that the adult will leave. Quite consistent with K's history. Her teachers and I manage the behavior well enough, but the day is going to come when it simply won't be appropriate for her to be sitting on the lap of her male 5th-grade teacher.
The third group of behaviors seem quite reasonable for someone who was deprived of food and craves control of it. She's been doing very well with food for months, but her nagging about dessert got completely out of bounds the other day, and I don't know why,
Peter and I are debating whether to start K in therapy with an adoption-savvy professional.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Reprieve
I don't believe it: in a matter of weeks, I will have more autonomous time than I have had since we adopted. Once school is out, the kids will be going to full-time day camp most of the summer. Then they'll be in school full days next year--yes, M will be in full-day kindergarten because he wants to be and we and his teachers say he's ready. So I will not have the year I had expected, a year like this one, when I averaged something like 15 child-free hours per week. I will have something closer to 34h/wk.
I am glad I put in the time to be so hands-on a parent. I now feel that I understand the kids at this point in their lives, and I know that I can cope with them. I can manage two Russian-speaking toddlers alone on a spring weekend while running a fever. I can manage two English-speaking small children alone over Thanksgiving weekend while recovering from pneumonia. I can nurse a boy after surgery while my girl has a stomach bug. I can call for and manage helpers when I need them, apologize for mistakes in a way that pulls my family closer, keep my children fed and clean and clothed and secure.
My next major tasks, along with the ongoing jobs of keeping my marriage and kids healthy, will be organizing our finances and pulling my career out of the toilet.
I am glad I put in the time to be so hands-on a parent. I now feel that I understand the kids at this point in their lives, and I know that I can cope with them. I can manage two Russian-speaking toddlers alone on a spring weekend while running a fever. I can manage two English-speaking small children alone over Thanksgiving weekend while recovering from pneumonia. I can nurse a boy after surgery while my girl has a stomach bug. I can call for and manage helpers when I need them, apologize for mistakes in a way that pulls my family closer, keep my children fed and clean and clothed and secure.
My next major tasks, along with the ongoing jobs of keeping my marriage and kids healthy, will be organizing our finances and pulling my career out of the toilet.
Thirteen Days...
...and counting that I have been the "on duty" parent. Peter was away at a conference the week before last for five days, the longest either of us has been away since we adopted. He took over for me a few hours the following day so I could have lunch and a walk with a friend. Then he went into his hospital week, and he is still in it, working most nights until at least 9:00. Tomorrow being Monday, he goes back into the office of his regular practice and starts the task of cleaning up paperwork from his two-week absence: more late nights.
How've I been without him? Okay. I've built up considerable stamina for parenting, not to mention strategies and confidence. I'm pretty tired, having lost sleep to arthritis pain in my shoulder, but I'm calm and focused, pacing myself, trying not to do anything stressful for too long, trying to do something replenishing each day (mostly reading). I feel like a marathoner must feel.
K and M, being 6 and 5 now respectively, are able to do more themselves than ever before. Gone are the days when I had to dress them and brush their teeth, wait by the toilet to reach the paper for M, break down the day into units I could count on my fingers in Russian. I explained to the kids early on that I would have no help for quite some time (did I mention Nancy's been away too?). K responded, "Don't worry, Mom." M said, "We will help you." And they have. They've been setting and clearing the table, getting the newspaper, fetching things from other rooms, keeping track of when they need laundry washed, and attempting more manual-dexterity and strength-based tasks such as opening jars and running their own baths. They have taken on their entire getting-ready-for-school routines and need minimal reminders. K, especially, likes looking at the dry-erase calendar on the fridge to see what events we have coming up. I no longer tell her the morning's or day's schedule: she tells me. And M, our dreamy little space-shot, likes to make sure the correct lights are off and doors closed.
I feel so happy that our kids are taking on care of the household. And they're doing it voluntarily! This is wonderful in any family, but in an adoptive family it's especially wonderful because it shows that the kids feel that they are part of the team. Both children are drawing a lot these days, and most of what they draw is all four members of our family doing something together. (K usually writes our names and the word LOVE too.)
I hope I remember this calm in a few weeks, when K will have to separate from her beloved kindergarten teacher and M will have to leave preschool forever. Changes like this are often terrible for adopted kids.
How've I been without him? Okay. I've built up considerable stamina for parenting, not to mention strategies and confidence. I'm pretty tired, having lost sleep to arthritis pain in my shoulder, but I'm calm and focused, pacing myself, trying not to do anything stressful for too long, trying to do something replenishing each day (mostly reading). I feel like a marathoner must feel.
K and M, being 6 and 5 now respectively, are able to do more themselves than ever before. Gone are the days when I had to dress them and brush their teeth, wait by the toilet to reach the paper for M, break down the day into units I could count on my fingers in Russian. I explained to the kids early on that I would have no help for quite some time (did I mention Nancy's been away too?). K responded, "Don't worry, Mom." M said, "We will help you." And they have. They've been setting and clearing the table, getting the newspaper, fetching things from other rooms, keeping track of when they need laundry washed, and attempting more manual-dexterity and strength-based tasks such as opening jars and running their own baths. They have taken on their entire getting-ready-for-school routines and need minimal reminders. K, especially, likes looking at the dry-erase calendar on the fridge to see what events we have coming up. I no longer tell her the morning's or day's schedule: she tells me. And M, our dreamy little space-shot, likes to make sure the correct lights are off and doors closed.
I feel so happy that our kids are taking on care of the household. And they're doing it voluntarily! This is wonderful in any family, but in an adoptive family it's especially wonderful because it shows that the kids feel that they are part of the team. Both children are drawing a lot these days, and most of what they draw is all four members of our family doing something together. (K usually writes our names and the word LOVE too.)
I hope I remember this calm in a few weeks, when K will have to separate from her beloved kindergarten teacher and M will have to leave preschool forever. Changes like this are often terrible for adopted kids.
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