The Boyfriend

K has a boyfriend. L, as I'll call him, made fun of her on the bus in the first few weeks of school, but apparently they love each other now.

On the one hand, we're aware that some boys and girls just do this at age and then outgrow it. We're told that boys who play with girls are made fun of by boys who don't, and the alliances break off. On the other hand, we're a little alarmed because they have been kissing. On the mouth. We gave her the "keep your germs to yourself" talk, and the kissing has stopped, but we're a little freaked out.

We have long thought that K is a prime candidate for sexual promiscuity when she's older because she's beautiful and physically affectionate and she craves lots of attention. She's outgoing enough to hug people who are kind to her even when we don't know them, even when we haven't given permission. Maybe we have nothing to worry about, but maybe having attached to three mothers has left her with the unconscious desire to be emotionally available to lots of people in case she has to attach again. This issue is common in "older" adopted children, especially those who have had to attach more than once.

Although we intend to do all we can to help K establish boundaries and stay safe, we are steeling ourselves to find her in flagrante delicto with someone at a very young age, or sleeping with multiple strangers, or seeking pregnancy because she wants the unwavering love of a child of her own. Finding therapy for her is on our list of summer activities. And we know that we may have to invade her privacy or do other things we find ethically distasteful in order to keep her safe--that, where sexuality is concerned, adoptive parenting is often quite different from parenting by birth.

I feel guilty. Intellectually I know that Peter and I have been there for her physically and emotionally in extraordinary ways, working to the best of our ability to help her feel secure and loved, express her feelings in words, feel she has the right to say "no" to being touched, respect other people's body boundaries, and so on. Intellectually I know that, as hard as we have worked, K came to us with her own history that influenced her before we even met her. But emotionally I feel that I'm her mother and therefore any problem of hers is my fault.