We were informed by the director of one of our kids' preschools that M is calling many adults "Mama." This is disturbing news. A child who calls anyone "Mama" may be insecurely attached to his real Mama, believing that anyone could potentially fill that role so he'd better be prepared.
I don't know the full extent of this behavior: the teachers themselves have never mentioned it. The director told Peter when he brought the kids to a holiday program that she was running, so maybe she observed it only during that hour.
I am listening to Peter give the kids a bath right now. When I set aside my fuming that he is riling them up and keeping them up too late, I hear M calling him "Mom." Now that I think of it, I believe he's called my mom "Mom" too.
I hope this behavior is a sign of overgeneralization of the word and not the concept. After all, everyone who observes us says his attachment to me and his reactions to others look perfectly OK, as if he were born to me. Maybe he believes "Mom" or "Mama" means "any adult who is in charge of me at the moment." He has recently started calling me "Mommy." I believe I'm the only one, but maybe that's wishful thinking.
About Me
- Deborah Blicher
- I'm a writer and teacher who enjoys first-person forms. Trained in music and speech science, I place great value on listening.
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Recommended Reading
- Hopkins-Best, Mary. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. Perspectives Press, 1998.
- Hoppenhauer, Denise Harris. Adopting a Toddler: What Size Shoes Does She Wear? iUniverse Star, 2004.
- Jarratt, Claudia Jewett. Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, Revised Edition. Harvard Common Press, 1994.
- Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent. Collins, 1998.
- Miller, Dr. Laurie C. The Handbook of International Adoption Medicine: A Guide for Physicians, Parents, and Providers. USA: Oxford University Press, 2004
- Parenting with Love and Logic (series)
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3 comments:
Our middle child (Rafi, age 3 1/2), frequently calls me "Imma" (Mom) when he's preoccupied or asking for something. Often, he'll correct himself on his own and say "Imma, um, I mean, Abba..." -- and sometimes I make a joke out of correcting him. "Oh, is Imma home? Let's find her..."
I think, in his case, it's overgeneralizing the word that goes with a sense of trust and comfort. After all, we frequently call them by the wrong name, especially when *we're* tired, distracted, or annoyed.
(I tend to attach the kids' names to the behaviors they are most associated with in my mind -- so whichever one won't let me get a word in edgewise is called by my older daughter's name in a crunch, while whichever one is being physically mischevious and wild gets called by my son's name...)
In her more distracted moments Noor has been known to call all adults "Pa" ...even her "Ma". It is a general term for anyone she needed attention from immediately. Although she speaks her own language fluentely she continued this into her older years when she would then laugh and say "I mean Ma" or "I mean Peter" or "I mean uncle Ben". I wouldn't read too much meaning into it. Love, Mimi
Hi! I just found your blog (through Suz at RussianAdoptionDva) and am enjoying reading. Anyway, my daughter came home from Russia almost 6 years ago- she was 2 yrs 7 months old at the time. EVERY woman was Mama for a few months, and it hurt me. It hurt deeply, but soon I understood- in the orphanages in Russia (at least the ones I've visited), the children call the caretakers "Mama." I wish they would change that to "aunt" but alas, this is the thing. I believe it's causing this behavior in our children that come home from there.
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